The President of the NRA, Charles Cotton, and the CEO, Wayne LaPierre, organized a meeting of 500 manufacturers of AR-15-style rifles recently in Houston, Texas.
Mr. Cotton, a slim grizzled fellow, skipped up to the podium and opened the meeting with these remarks: “As you know, there’s a good chance that President Biden will be elected to a second term in 2024.”
Boos. Hisses. Boos.
“While I don’t like this any more than you do, there are steps we can take now to reduce the havoc Biden might wreak by packing the Supreme Court with left-wing radicals. Right now, we’re in safe hands with the Gang of Six, but we must be prepared for all contingencies.
“Here’s our plan.
“Every newborn, regardless of race, religion or the ability to use opposable thumbs, will be gifted with a baby style AR 15—blue for boys, pink for girls and purple for trans.
“When the child becomes 13, they will be given a teen version of the AR-15. Upon turning 18, they will be awarded a grown-up model, the black, fully loaded monster. They will also be given a coupon for 50% off per upgrade every year until they die, naturally or not. And as a bonus, we’ll slip in a little .22 handgun and ankle holster, just in case their AR-15 ever jams, which it hardly ever does, but you never know.
“We believe it’s outrageous that the 25 year-old shooter in the Louisville bank murders had to wait so long (one week) to get his AR 15. It’s a given in this country that people are going to kill people. Why not make it more efficient? He could have knocked them off much sooner if he’d had that gun since childhood, you know what I mean?”
Cheers. Claps. Atta-boys!
“And the beauty is, who’s going to stop us? Congress? Ha. President Biden? That feeble old socialist? The best part? You will triple your income in less than a year!
“Another benefit? The kid won’t have to bother their parent to get hold of their gun. Just think. If the kid shoots his teacher because he got a “D” in math, the parents can’t be sued because the child now legally owns his own gun. Win. Win. Win. McCarthy is onboard!
When word of the NRA’s new plan leaked, there was a flurry of outrage around the world. Newspaper headlines shrieked:
In Paris, LeMonde screamed “Sangue Nelle Strade” (More Blood in the Steets of the U.S.!)
The Rome News-Tribune: “Ci Sono un Sacco di Polpette Pazzesche Laggiù” (It’s a Crazy Meat-a Balls-a Over There!)
Chinese newspaper, China Daily: 們一直在告訴你什麼？(What We Tell You?)
German, Der Spiegel: Dumme Amerikaner (Stupid Americans!)
Russian newspaper, Pravda: Мы выиграли Мы выиграли. Теперь нас не остановить. (We Won! We Won! American Devils Destroy Their Own Democracy!)
Fox News: “Another Victory for the Second Amendment!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact (but is more amusing). You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 15, 2023
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