As soon as Republican Governor of Missouri, Mike Parson, heard about Murphy, the bald eagle living at the World Bird Sanctuary in Valley Park, he called an emergency meeting of the Republican legislature.
“How did this happen?” the governor hollered. “Why did no one tell me that we had a trans bald eagle at our sanctuary? Sitting on a rock, no less, hoping it would hatch? My God, what’s this world coming to? Tranny eagles? Now I’ve heard everything.”
“But, sir,” said Rep. Ann Wagner, “everyone loves Murphy. He’s been all over the news. They even brought an orphaned baby eaglet for him to care for since the rock was obviously not going to hatch.”
“But, he’s a MALE bald eagle, you idiot! Something’s wrong with him! He’s not supposed to be trying to hatch an egg. That’s women’s work!
“I want all those YouTube videos removed, all the press reports squelched, all communication about him from the sanctuary canceled, you hear me? We can’t have this getting out that there’s a tranny bald eagle in Missouri!”
“But, sir, it’s already out,” said Ms. Wagner.”
“No, no no no, no we can’t have that,” said the Governor, pacing behind his podium.
“What’s the problem, Governor?” said Ms. Wagner.
“The problem? This is Missouri, dammit, not California. In case you hadn’t noticed, we have two genders here—two and only two. This bird is befouling our distinction for rugged conservatism. Just one sick puppy like Murphy can ruin the reputation of our national bird. How would it look if other bald eagles got it into their heads that male eagles can be parents, can hatch eggs and nurture eaglets?
“WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. The bald eagle is our God—he’s fierce, he hunts down lesser creatures and kills them. He doesn’t coo and swish and nurture.
“He’s the avian equivalent of the AR-15.”
“But, Sir, don’t you think you are going a bit overboard here?” said Ms. Wagner, struggling to be polite.
“No. This is the trouble with women on these issues—they just don’t get it. I don’t know who Murphy’s been talking to. Maybe he’s been watching too much “Big Bird” on PBS, but can you imagine what Putin and Xi are saying right now? ‘America gone all girly-girl. Can’t even control their eagles.’”
“Really, Sir?”
“I’ll tell you what, Ms. Wagner. You have two choices here. Either put Murphy in a cage and film him ripping apart a cute bunny, getting a close up of blood dripping from his beak and post it on YouTube while explaining that the rock thing was just a little eagle joke, or . . . “
“Or . . ?”
“Pack up Murphy and send him to California.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” should not be taken seriously. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, June 15, 2023
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