Ron DeSatan was convinced in the initial stages that the so-called Blob attacking Florida’s coastline was a Disney special effects creation, which he ignored.
When his staff informed him that Vibrio vulnificus, commonly known as flesh-eating bacteria, was discovered lurking in the tangled mess, he hollered, “Oh, hell no, not on my watch. Damn Mouse-a-Crats! They think they can ruin me with this mess? Ha! I’m not some animated character they can widget around on their Ouija board. I’m a flesh and blood strong man. A fighter! Future President of the United States!
“Why, just look at what I’ve done to, er, I mean, for Florida: put the kibosh on sex in all its manifestations, including forbidding little girls from talking about their menstrual periods in school! Yuk! Who wants to hear about that? Banned any book that’s even slightly pornographic, i.e. anything that mentions the existence of gay people or the fact that Black people were once enslaved. I’ve encouraged women to scream bloody murder at school boards over topics about which they know nothing—the unholy trinity of the libs: equity, diversity, inclusion and let’s not forget WOKE, whatever that is. All I know is that people get riled up whenever I say ‘Florida is where WOKE goes to die.’”
DeSatan was certainly NOT going to be made a laughingstock over an effing Blob. And he wasn’t going to wait around for some pansy-assed so-called scientist to give him advice. Hell, no.
DeSatan called up his good buddy, Tarren Bradon, CEO of the Foundation for Government Accountability—the right-wing think tank that authored new laws rolling back child labor restrictions. They are now being enacted in Arkansas, Iowa and Missouri and are being considered by many other states.
“Hey, Tarren,” said DeSatan on a recent phone call. “I’ve got a situation here I think you might like to help with.”
“I’m all ears,” Bradon said, smiling, and covering the mouthpiece to whisper to his assistant, ‘it’s DeSantis.’” The assistant smiled.
“About this blob taking over the coast—what I want to do is get me a bunch of immigrant children to clean up this mess.”
“God knows we’ve got plenty of them,” said Bradon.
“Exactly,” said DeSatan. “Let’s round up a bunch. Bring several gigantic dump trucks down to the beaches and give shovels to the illegals so they can fill them up. Then they can drive to the designated warehouse, dump their contents into huge cargo containers and load them onto tractor trailers. We’ll send along a couple of longshoremen who know how to do this kind of thing.”
“Sounds like a plan. Then what?”
“We’ll need a couple of immigrant kids to drive the semis to their destination. Many have already driven in their home countries. They just have to be tall enough so they can reach the pedals and peer over the steering wheels.”
“Sure. I’ll take care of everything. Where are they going?”
“Oregon. The Republican legislators up there are giving the Libs fits by staging a boycott over the Dems who are running the show. This little stunt will make them very happy!”
“When do we start?”
“Now. We want the trucks to arrive within the week to dump the Blob onto the grounds of the capitol building in Salem. I’ll alert the Republicans so they can put out the welcome mat!
“I want our country to know exactly what a DeSantis Presidency will look like!”
“A sick, steaming load of crap?” whispered Bradon’s assistant.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2023
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