It was bound to happen. Hysterical masculinity, sad to say, is no longer the sole province of males.
Upon hearing that billionaires Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk challenged each other to a cage match, Representatives Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert cried, “Why should the boys have all the fun?” and threw their proverbial hats into the ring,
Zuck and Musk, terrified of being tarred with taunts of “Girly-Girls,” and “Chicken Sh*ts” if they refused, relented and allowed them to sign up.
“No problemo,” said Musk to Zuck, “We’ll have them on their backs before they can cry ‘Donald Trump.’”
It was the perfect confluence of business and government, or as Mussolini liked to say, “Fascismo.”
The odds makers at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas predicted that Zuck would lay waste to Musk, MTG and BoBo within the first 17 minutes. Due to fears of violence from a live audience, the organizers streamed the bout into living rooms worldwide. Only a few members of the House, including Kevin McCarthy, were allowed to watch from the balcony.
In one corner, Elon Musk—black satin trunks, flabby, sweaty white whale belly on full display. In another—the bobbing Zuck, looking more buffed than would seem likely for the pasty-faced man-boy.
In the third corner—MTG, flipping her feathered boa around the turtleneck of her red leotard while growling and pawing at the ground with her cloven hooves.
In the fourth corner—BoBo, adorned in a cowboy get-up, preening and pantomiming the fast draw of a six-shooter—pointing, firing then blowing imaginary smoke off the tip before thrusting it back into her invisible holster.
“Go BoBo, Go,” hollered the pit crew.
As agreed upon ahead of time, this was to be a libertarian fight—no rules, no consequences.
The bell clanged.
All four fighters charged into the center of the cage, hurling punches and kicks at whomever was nearest. BoBo danced toward Musk and slammed her fist into his jaw with a right uppercut. Musk collapsed to the ground like a swatted fly and cried, “Stop. No more!” He was hoisted out of the cage as the others continued flailing and screaming in a blur of fists, knees and feet.
MTG screamed, “I’m comin’ for you, bitch,” and aimed a roundhouse kick at BoBo’s groin, but Zuck jabbed hard at MTG’s kidneys before she could connect. She collapsed onto her knees, wailing, “You bastard ass, I’m gonna get you!”
“Hahahaha,” shouted BoBo to MTG with a De Niro accent, still fuming from their recent Congressional contretemps over who stole whose articles of impeachment against Biden. “Whastsamatta, you? You can dish it out, but you can’t take it!”
A red-faced McCarthy could be seen in the balcony covering his eyes.
MTG leapt up and flung herself onto Zuck’s back, hollering, “You sniveling little piece monkey of sh*t! You think you’re so hot!” Zuck crumpled under her weight and collapsed onto the floor, comatose.
MTG quickly stepped away and lunged toward BoBo, slamming her to the ground and stomping on her arm. Hearing the crack, BoBo shrieked like a banshee. “You broke my fu*king arm, you crazy fu*king ,bitch, you’ll pay for this!”
“Who’s the Top Bitch now, bitch?” hollered MTG as she strutted triumphantly around the cage, Rocky style.
Six thousand miles away, in a Russian dacha with the TV blaring, Putin snickered, “Now that’s what I call real America—slutty and stupid.” Prigozhin, sitting nearby, nodded.
McCarthy’s aide said to him, “Thank God that’s over, right?”
“Right,” smirked McCarthy and rushed off to collect his winnings
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, August 15, 2023
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