Behind closed doors, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy meets with his staff to formulate a plan for recapturing the Speakership.
“By demonstrating incredibly bad taste,” says Kevin to the group of 10 around the table, “Matt Gaetz has unknowingly engineered my return.”
Eyebrows raising, throats clearing, coughing all around.
“Think of it,” says Kevin, raising his fist. “He has done nothing but throw a monkey wrench into the gears of democracy since he came here—by siding with Trump on the stolen election imbroglio and by refusing to work with Democrats.
“Those have been the twin compelling interests of his tenure in this chamber, other than entertaining House members with photos of naked women he’s slept with, thus establishing his primacy as the Big Swinging Dick in the House.
Kevin paces back and forth behind the lectern.
“Since House members refused to avert their eyes, I say it’s time to put up or shut up. We can settle this leadership turmoil by doing the following:
“Each House member wishing to be considered for the Speakership must submit five or more photos of naked women they’ve slept with, along with two photos of their wooden gavel.
The one with the most photos of naked women or the most stand-up gavel will be awarded the Speakership.”
Unbeknownst to anyone other than his wife, Kevin possesses the most stately stand-up gavel in the House. Even though he doesn’t possess the most photos, as he has been married for 30 years to a fine Christian woman who doesn’t want her photos passed around for the leering eyes of the GOP, Kevin does rise to the occasion.
Kevin’s wooden gavel trumps all.
What Kevin lacks in integrity he more than makes up in size, and we all know that among men, especially politicians, that’s all that matters.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. Contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, November 15, 2023
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