At the last minute, MSNBC was forced to substitute its AI RobbieBot for Rachel Maddow, who had been scheduled to interview the newly anointed House Speaker, Mike Johnson. Due to the ongoing tragedy in Israel, all of its seasoned reporters had been dispatched to the region.
RobbieBot, 4’ tall, fashioned out of metal in the likeness of a prepubescent boy, capable of independent movement and independent thought, says in his non-melodic, synth voice, “Thank you for coming tonight, Mr. Speaker.”
Speaker Johnson, dressed in his usual suit and tie, accepts Robbie’s presence with good humor and bows to him.
“Well, sure. I guess this is the new, new thing, this AI Bot stuff, he says smirking, chuckling and thinking, sure, fire away, stupid robot.
After Mike gets settled in a comfortable chair, Robbie begins. “Welcome, Mr. Speaker. I’m glad you could join us tonight. I want to start by inquiring about your recent conversation with Sean Hannity. You said, and I quote, ‘… an easy way into my mind is to go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it. … That’s my world view. That’s what I believe. And so I make no apologies.’”
“Yes, that’s right. That’s what I said,” replies Johnson, grinning.
“Well, I have a few questions about that,” says Robbie.
“Fire away.”
“For instance, what about 1 John 1:6 where it says, and I quote from the Christian Standard Bible: ‘If we say we have fellowship with Him, with God, and yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing the truth.’
“How do you square that chalice with your lies about the 2020 election and your efforts to overturn it?”
“Well now, you’re just picking nits, aren’t you?” says Johnson, leaning forward. “What kind of crap have they programmed into you? I have rights as a citizen—”
“But not to commit treason,” says Robbie. “Wouldn’t you agree that citizens do not have a right to commit treason?”
“Depends on how you define treason.”
“Trying to overturn an election.”
“Next subject.”
“You’re not exactly from the ‘Chosen People’ side of the tracks, now are you? Aren’t you just a cute little bat crap crazy Christian boy, with your perfect suit, your perfect hair, your perfect smirk, pretending to be Lord of All He Sees?”
“What? What? This is outrageous!” Mike leaps out of his chair and punches Robbie, hollering, “You sniveling little piece of robo sh*t! That Deuteronomy Dude was just talking out of his butt. God would never do that, he just wouldn’t. He loves us all equally. Who do you think you are? This is total fake news. We’re all chosen and that’s that!”
Robbie rolls just out of reach and says, “You’re saying God wouldn’t do something like that? Wasn’t he a little off the day he asked Abraham to burn up his beloved son, Isaac? What Bible have you been reading?”
“My own, is the answer to that, you smarty-pants piece of Nazi poop!” cries Johnson as he resumes pummeling Robbie.
Robbie speeds further backwards and hollers, “Peace brother, peace. No need for violence here.”
Mike continues pounding on Robbie, screaming, “You godless monster, you Communist bucket of bolts.”
Robbie tips over and screams, “You’re going to hell if you keep this up—and on national TV, no less.”
Mike now kicks him wildly, his face an ugly scream of scarlet.
The stage hand rushes in, sets Robbie upright and ushers him offstage.
Johnson is all alone, sweating, spitting, frothing, crying, turning round and round with his arms in the air, beseeching, “What just happened here? What? Why me, Lord? You told me you chose me for this new job. Why hast thou forsaken me?”
He suddenly whirls around, spots the camera, then scarpers away, mumbling in a high-pitched wavering falsetto, “We’re going to have to talk about this …”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, December 15, 2023
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