Elon Musk travelled to Israel on Nov. 27, 2023, to meet with Benjamin Netanyahu and tour the remains of an incinerated village.
No reason given for the trip, but many felt it was an apology tour on Elon’s part for having agreed with the X (formerly Twitter) user who claimed Jews hated White people.
Elon had posted this response to the user’s screed: “You have said the actual truth.”
During his tour, Elon was reported to have tweeted (or is it Xed?), “Actions speak louder than words.”
Thanks to an aide traveling with Elon and Netanyahu, we now understand the true nature of those actions.
The aide has disclosed that Elon secretly agreed to buy Israel from Netanyahu, promising a down payment of $5 billion worth of shekels, to be sent immediately to Netanyahu’s secret Swiss bank account.
In what Elon hopes to be a surprise in March of 2024, he plans to round up all Israelis and whatever is left of the Palestinians and move them to Texas where they will be put in camps and forced to fight in cage matches—Muslim vs. Jew, Jew vs. Muslim.
“May the best religion win,” said Elon. “What we need is good old-fashioned competition to work out the kinks of their animosity, thereby saving the world from their endless wars.”
Also according to the whistleblowing aide, Elon plans to bulldoze every square inch of Israel’s land, ridding the country of the very foundation of religious conflict: Bethlehem, Jerusalem, the Western Wall, the Dome of the Rock, Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the Mount of Olives, Golgotha, the Garden Tomb and other sacred religious triggers.
Elon finally revealed his intentions to his top engineer, Andrew, who exploded and threw up his hands, “You can’t do this! You can’t allow your Asperger’s to get in the way of all human feelings.”
“Feelings?” hollered Elon, his face a massive smear of crimson, “You think I got to be the richest MOFO on the planet because I cared about feelings? Feelings have gotten us into this mess and I plan to end it. I’m going to bring the God of science and reason to the Middle East. Someone has to do it. ” He paced in circles as he shivered out his intentions.
“Once I bring back the Jews and Palestinians to work in my new factories for Tesla, the Falcon Nine rockets and Starlink satellites, they will soon realize the benefits of getting along in the furtherance of my grand technology. Of course, they’ll have to work 70 hours a week, but that will build their character like no God ever could!”
Andrew spluttered,“You know, of course, that if you put a few bends in the arms of your beloved X it becomes a swastika!”
“So?”
“So the US Government can’t be too happy about all of this!”
Elon smiled when he replied, “Capitalists in the United States will make them fold. They always do. They’re my biggest supporters.
“A side benefit for Netanyahu is that my takeover of Israel and its government keeps him out of jail, forever. As long as the Supreme Court can’t run, Bibi can hide.”
“That does it,” cried Andrew, throwing his clipboard to the ground. “I want no part of this. From now on you can take your stock options, your stratospheric salary and your beloved X and shove ‘em up your autistic ass!” He whirled around and took off at a run.
Elon trotted a few paces behind, but could not keep up.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, February 1, 2024
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