Ron DeSatan exited the presidential stage the way he entered—not with a bang, but with a stupid-ass blunder by unwittingly using a faux Churchill quote: “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”
Someone on his campaign, probably not him, wanted to class up his exit speech by inviting Winston Churchill to the party. So, then, how did a 1938 Budweiser commercial show up instead? There’s been a mystery surrounding the DeSatan campaign from the beginning, including the question of how could a putative front runner with bushels of cash lose four inches in height whenever he took off his cowboy boots?
Those in the know would say of Ron that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Or that you simply cannot create a 17-foot David sculpture without the right Cararra marble.
Metaphor-deficient Ron would have no idea what they were talking about.
Early on, the DeSatan staff knew they were in for trouble. It was bad enough that Ron was sans charisma, but his wife Casey, who it was hoped could blanket him with a patina of warmth, threw cold water on herself and the campaign when she stood onstage and urged supporters from all over the country to “come to Iowa and participate in the caucus,” only to be scolded by Trump for encouraging voter fraud.
Chalk up one for the yellow-haired Fatmobile.
Overall, the many pieces of Ron just didn’t make sense. One day he was blasting trans youth and banning abortion after six weeks; the next, he was biting the paw of the rodent who employed 77,000 people in Florida, but who could, if provoked, pack up Minnie and Snow White and the Seven and move them to another more welcoming clime.
What can you do with a candidate like that? Only a fool would attack Mickey.
Scott Wagner, Ron’s genius campaign manager, hatched a plan to persuade his doctor to include a set of brain scans during Ron’s next physical exam.
Wagner then secretly ordered the scans converted to a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it diligently to try to understand his boss’s puzzling operating system, hoping a better campaign strategy would reveal itself.
Right up until the end in Iowa he was seen bending over the table, picking up a piece, murmuring, “Maybe if I put the corpus callossum over here …”
He would the piece aloft as he hovered in one spot after another before he set it back down.
“Or maybe if I placed the hippocampus next to the amygdala …”
“Or, maybe if I shifted the right frontal lobe more to the left …”
After several hours, he cried out, “It’s hopeless,” and swept the thousand pieces to the ground. “There is no way to turn this brain into a winner.”
Sadly, as he started picking up the pieces, he recalled the one true Churchill quote he should have adopted for Ron’s concession speech:
“Success cannot be achieved; failure’s the only option. It is the courage to quit before the bullet ricochets off your foot and penetrates your brain.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, March 1, 2024
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