Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Say it Ain’t So, Joe

Taking my cue from Joe Manchin, I am announcing that I will not run for President in 2024. Or ever.

I am announcing that I will stop praying for the Great Felonious Trump to be sent to Solitary Confinement and that instead he be housed in Cell Block D.

I am announcing that I will eschew bribes from Egypt, although I am still a bit tempted by those shiny gold ingots.

I am announcing that I will stop accepting pills from strangers and ending up in rehab.

I am announcing that I have screwed movie stars, but destroyed the drafts of my tell-all. So sorry. No kiss; no tell.

I am announcing that I will refrain from purchasing hospitals with my Private Equity money, robbing them blind and forcing them into bankruptcy.

I am announcing that I will stop impeaching librarians and teachers for doing their jobs.

I am announcing that I will stop staring at the dreamy mouse face of Ron DeSatan and wondering what might have been.

I am announcing that I will stop comparing myself to Alexei Navalny for the (unreasonable, illegal) parking ticket I received for not turning my wheels to the curb on a downhill street. Victim!

I am announcing I will stop claiming that Black people like me because I’ve been persecuted, just like them, for nothing whatsoever!

I am announcing that I will refrain from bitching out Fox News reporters and calling them **** ******* *************.

I am announcing that I’ve lost confidence in Nikki Haley’s ability to twist herself into a pretzel to accept Trump’s offer of Vice President.

I am announcing I will refrain from taking my appeal to the Supreme Court for my alleged crimes (none of your business) and will instead allow a jury of my peers to judge me.

I am announcing that I will no longer sell Gila monsters to unsuspecting dudes who let themselves get bitten and die.

I am announcing that I have nothing more to announce.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, April 1, 2024

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