Rural Routes/Margot Ford McMillen

Who Passes the Dishwasher Test?

Ever since it started to look like we’d have a couple of lame choices for President in 2024, I’ve been trying to think of ways to get voters excited enough in November to start up their cars and drive to the polls to vote. Fox News has a pretty good strategy adapted from the zombie apocalypse movies: Tell lies in an excited tone of voice, make people believe the bad guys are here, now, right this minute and convince them that the crisis can be averted only by voting.

Being more NPR than Fox News, I was looking for a litmus test that anyone could use and create both the desire to get out and vote plus the desire to vote the correct way. Which means MY way. And then I hit on the perfect challenge. At the risk of getting kicked out of the Women’s Club, I’m revealing one of our deep secrets: The dishwasher trial.

In short, if a potential partner passes the dishwasher trial, we consider them for the household. If they fail, well, duh, they’re out.

And while I could make this all a gender-neutral column, I won’t. Because both candidates are male-equipped and male self-identifying.

So let’s say you’re an ordinary voter (me) and you’re looking for a way to decide between the orange guy and the skinny one. You’ve looked at the issues—borders, Israel, NATO, local food—and you’ve decided nobody has any good ideas to send you to the polls on a chilly November day. It’s time for the trial.

Imagine you’ve fixed a great meal for a favorite diner. Pot roast. You’re famous blue-ribbon chili. Or, if you’re vegan, a marvelous lentil bolognese. Wow. That’s eating. Maybe with a lovely chocolate mousse dessert.

OK. You’re pushing yourselves back from the table, you and your diner both exhausted but giddy with delight over the culinary triumph, and you’re ready to waddle over to the sofa and plop down but wait, there are the dishes, the pots, the pans, the deadly plastic containers … here’s where the test comes in, and since we’re in the land of imagination we can again become gender neutral …

Does s/he reach for your hand, dear cook, and say, “That was magnificent … I’ll do the dishes ... you just sit” or doesn’t s/he?

And do you, dear cook, blink back the tears and enjoy the moment? Or do you pitch in?

While you contemplate your own reaction to this interesting scenario, let me forestall the obvious complaint. You, I hear you saying, have an automatic dishwasher. You, I hear you saying, have reduced need for assistance.

I respond: You’re missing the point. Having an automatic dishwasher is like relying on A.I. to write your college entrance essay. The automatic dishwasher is only a tool. Someone needs to load it, to see that it does its job, lest the result be only that the dishes must be re-loaded...or worse, cleaned by hand. In short, a person that loads a dishwasher properly is a person you can trust to get through any national or international crisis.

In fact, owning the automatic dishwasher is a chance for the guest to show off a certain skill, maybe a skill of the engineering sort, and suited to today’s cyber-challenges. A dishwasher must be loaded so that every surface receives a generous amount of soapy spray and then a generous amount of what industry calls sparkling ultra rinse. It must be loaded, in short, so that the dishes come out as clean as dishes that have been laboriously washed old-style, by hand.

I think you see my point. Not only is there a responsibility to carefully handle the precious dishes and glassware, perhaps even grandmother’s delicate stemmed wineglasses, but there is an obligation to get the job finished with glasses, plates, pots and pans (and deadly plastic storage items) ready to be returned to the shelf ready for the next event.

The guest earns extra points for stacking the most items most efficiently into the dishwasher baskets, so that an entire day’s worth of dirty dishes can be cleaned at bedtime and unloaded in the morning. Hosts may also give extra points for carrying the compost out to the compost pile and sweeping the kitchen while we scan the channels for a good program on mountain climbing or whales.

Well, I think you see my point and I hope the value of the test is clear now. You have two choices. Which candidate would make the best, most careful and reliable dishwashing partner? Who is most capable of doing the job to your standards and without unnecessary drama? Uh huh. You know the answer. You’re ready, now, to get out and work for him, and that’s the only way we’ll have a tolerable outcome in November.

Margot Ford McMillen farms near Fulton, Mo., and co-hosts “Farm and Fiddle” on sustainable ag issues on KOPN 89.5 FM in Columbia, Mo. Her latest book is "The Golden Lane: How Missouri Women Gained the Vote and Changed History." Email: margotmcmillen@gmail.com.

From The Progressive Populist, April 15, 2024

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