At a recent rally in Dallas, Donald Trump, the nation’s most Famous Perp, strolls to the podium wearing his shiny golden sneakers.
He juts out his chin and thrusts his new “God Bless the USA Bible” into the air, shouting, “Isn’t this a great day? Trump wins again. Have you seen these sneakers?” he says as he lifts his right leg and tugs up his pant leg to show them off.
He dances around as the crowd screams, “Trump, Trump Trump!”
Trump holds up his new “God Bless the USA” Bible and hollers, “My favorite book—read it every night, yes every night, not many know Trump to be a Bible reader, but despite the lies told about me, I’m very religious. I do not own a copy of Mein Kampf, don’t even know much about Hitler, guess he was a bad guy, very bad, if Trump had been President, he would have shut Hitler down much sooner, you know, like in a few months, over, done, out, would have saved millions of lives and billions of dollars, but, sadly, you didn’t have Trump around to protect you then.
“But I’m around now, and what a year it has been! The Biden witch hunts? So far, nothing, just corrupt judges. The E. Jean Carroll thing? Total bogus. Biden bought off the jury, you know that. And now you and I have to pay for it! Disgusting!”
The crowd screams, “Four more years, four more years!”
“They bought the bitch off. Still appealing it. Wrong, shouldn’t have been charged, don’t even know her, never even met her, not even once. Well, about that photo. She did look a lot like Marla, so how could I tell? They tricked me with that photo, doctored her up to look like Marla. Scum, I tell you scum. But you know that, already. You listen to Trump.
“Anyway, I’m here to announce my latest and possibly greatest offering for my most loyal fans.”
A murmur of excitement ripples through the crowd.
“Women. You know, the women love me, am I right? I mean, look around at all my beautiful fans.” He holds out his arms in a faux embrace.
Women scream the screams meant only for rock stars and Jesus Christ.
“They want to crowd around me all the time,” he points at women in the front row, “don’t you? All the time hugging me, wanting to kiss me.”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!”
“And they come up to me and say, ‘You know, President Trump, I’d like to spend more time with you.’ Well, I’m flattered, of course, but, darlings, I can’t be in a thousand places at once, especially since I have to show up at these filthy shameful Biden sham shams, so, I says to myself, ‘Trump, what can you do to make your greatest fans happy?’
“And then it hit me. Women’s History Month! So, I’m announcing tonight that I’m honoring you during this time of Women’s History Month, with my new, elegant Trump Golden Tampons.”
A sharp intake of breath from the crowd.
“Oh, I know it sounds icky to say, but this will make you, my fans, happy about your monthly friend. The tampons themselves are made from a specially created silk blend. Smoothe. Nothing too good for my gal, and, get this—the applicator is 24 ct. gold. Can you beleeeve 24 ct gold?!! Worthy of the name Trump.”
“Yes Yes.”
“So, now, for you, my dear MAGA women who love me more than life itself, you deserve this product, you will love this product, because once a month, for several days at a time, you can hold me close.”
Screams, Meg Ryan style: “Oh, Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Within 24 hours of the announcement, the entire stock of Trump Golden Tampons sells out. The company, “Trump’s Special Friend,” reported a run on the Golden Trump Tampons, and now they are on back-order.
No telling when China will be able to deliver.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact.
Email Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2024
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