The U.S. Department of Agriculture reported that in the past two weeks, infections of H5N1 (bird flu) have been detected in cattle across six states. This has farmers understandably worried.
Jens and Ingeborg Johannson, who farm 3,000 acres near Storm Lake, Iowa, have come up with a novel way to keep their cows and other livestock safe from bird flu.
“This herd’s our fortune,” said Ingeborg during a recent NPR interview. “We have to do whatever we can to protect our cows.”
In the middle of one of their largest fields, stands a 20-ft tall deep-fake of a naked, anatomically correct Donald Trump — the first Presidential Scarecrow in the nation’s history.
“We know we’re pissing off Trump and that’s regrettable, but we can’t afford to lose our cattle,” said Jans. “Nothing else was working to keep the damn birds away.”
People from neighboring counties have been known to drive slowly past this field, cover their faces and snicker to each other over sidelong glances, “Oh. My. Gosh! Stormy was right!”
“Has Trump seen this?” asks Jack Dennison, the Johannson’s MAGA-hat-wearing neighbor. “Boy, he’s gonna be mad.”
“He did send us a cease and desist order,” Jens replies. “I guess he forgot about the First Amendment. We prevailed in court.”
The Scarecrow has suffered many attacks during his short controversial life—each time burned to the ground. Another one has always popped up to take its place. The Johannson’s investment in a sturdy 3D printer is paying off—no one is going to stop them.
Reporters fly in from all over the world, asking the same question: “You say you’ve voted for Trump before, so why do this now?”
“It’s the only thing we’ve found to protect our cows. We don’t mean no disrespect, but we’ve got to protect our own. We voted for him last time, despite the soybean kerfuffle with the Chinese, but probably not this time. He’s always going on about raising some damn tariffs and that’s what hurt us last time when the Chinese went elsewhere for their soybeans.”
Stephen Miller, Trump’s consigliere, tries to take Trump’s temperature over the scarecrow caper. He knows Trump hates it, but he also knows Trump lost in court. Even though Trump’s supporters have burned it down over and over and over again, it hasn’t dissuaded the Johannsons.
“This is not a joke, Stephen,” says Trump. “It’s blasphemy! Would our Lord Jesus like to be portrayed this way? I don’t think so. So why should Lord Trump be made the butt of a filthy joke?” He throws up his hands and slaps hard his desk.
Suddenly, Trump whirls around and says, “But, hey, how about this? Why don’t we play along—just say that this little joke has been good for farmers, and that Trump approves it? I mean, everyone knows it’s a cartoon, and that the scarecrow does not represent the real me in any way, shape or form.”
Miller scuffs at the floor, clears his throat and murmurs, “Uh. Sure. Of course.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 15, 2024
Blog | Current Issue | Back Issues | Essays | Links
About the Progressive Populist | How to Subscribe | How to Contact Us