Well, well, well. The no-longer-future Vice President for Donald Trump, Kristi Noem, admitted in her new book to having committed a deed so abhorrent that even Republicans have shunned her. Most agree that her dream job has slipped through her trigger fingers.
She described killing her dog Cricket for crimes that under normal circumstances would have earned Cricket a ticket to Canine Boot Camp. She thought that by telling us Cricket’s tragic story that she would be viewed as someone who could make tough decisions. Sad.
She also insulted Kim Jun Un by telling us in her tell-all that she had met him at the DMZ, calling him a “little tyrant.” (Note to Kristi: Kim is a big fat tyrant.)
Not wise to mess with Leader Kim.
“I never met her,” Kim hollered when he learned of her claim. “Why would I meet with a third-rate political dog-killer? Who does she think she is? Donald Trump? Makes South Dakota look like a cheap-ass trailer park. Someone should gift her with an all-expense-paid vacation to the gravel pit of her choice.”
After making a fool of herself in television interviews by refusing to admit she lied about meeting Kim, she changed topics by chiding President Biden for not being tough enough to shoot his beloved German Shepherd, Commander, who had a bit of a bent for biting.
Soon after hearing Noem castigate his Daddy, President Biden’s beloved biting boy disappeared from his foster home in Silver Springs.
Commander was reportedly spotted in South Dakota by a drunken old man stumbling around on one of the country roads, but his claim was easily dismissed by the Sheriff after a breathalyzer test.
Commander, aptly named for his take-charge attitude, slunk into the yard of the Noem house, and lured away her new Pointer, Pete, by tempting him with a dead squirrel.
Commander dropped the squirrel and whispered, “Look, Dude. You know you’re on the shot list, right? It’s just a matter of time before you hear the cock of the pistol and then bam, you’re dead. Your Mom’s a crazy psycho bitch from hell, sorry to speak ill of her, but she killed Cricket and an innocent goat—can you be far behind?”
“No, No. No. That can’t be true.” Pete backed away.
“Didn’t you hear her on CNN say that ‘If Pete doesn’t shape up soon, we might have to give him the Cricket Cure?’”
“But I’ve been a good boy, I swear,” cried Pete, shaking violently.
“Look. Nothing can slake your mom’s thirst for blood. You need to come with me,” said Commander, turning away.
He and Pete trotted behind Noem to the edge of the gravel pit and watched her put the Tundra in Neutral. She set the emergency brake and hopped out, shotgun in one hand and very squirmy rabbit in the other.
“Ah, not Bunny!” cried Pete. “I love that Bunny.”
Noem was preparing to toss Bunny into the air as if it were a clay pigeon to shoot. As she was loading her shotgun, Commander climbed inside the Tundra, released the emergency brake and jumped out. He and Pete circled around to the back and nudged the truck toward Noem.
“Oh, noooo!” Kristi screamed. “I didn’t mean it. I swear I was not going to shooo——”
Bam! The truck slammed into Kristi, barreling her over the rim of the gravel pit, tossing her next to the carcasses of her other so-called pets. Bunny scampered up the hill toward Pete.
“That ought to put the fear of God into anyone who wants to follow in your mom’s footsteps, or rather her gun shots,” said Commander. Pete peeked over the rim of the gravel pit, shuddering, tears in his eyes. He scruffed Bunny and moved him away.
“That’s OK, Pete. You and Bunny can come live with me in Silver Springs—nice, cushy home. They will never shoot you no matter how bad you mess up!”
“They must be Democrats.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, June 15, 2024
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