Supreme Court Justice, Elena Kagan, has been overheard talking to her law clerk, Mary, about how she envies Justice Samuel Alito and Senator Bob Menendez.
Mary cocks an eye toward the Justice.
“I mean,” Kagan says, “look at Sammy—that’s what I call him when no one’s around—he doesn’t like it very much, but it’s fun to see his face turn red—look at the way he blames Martha for the flag caper. My God, can you imagine if Sonia or Kentanji or I had pulled that stunt? He would have sicced his goons on us and had us impeached.”
Mary laughs at Justice Kagan’s frankness.
Kagan continues, “They have wives! When confronted, the boys are all, ‘Who me, no, no, not my fault; Martha is out of control with that upside down flag thing and that other flag, whatever it was; I don’t know, it’s not my house, she bought it with her inheritance, she owns it, not me. She is perfectly free to do as she wants; I have nothing to do with what she does, I really don’t. I didn’t even know about the flags, I swear, I’m a judge, you can bank on that; in fact, I barely know her …’”
Mary laughs and says, “Wow, if he could hear you now!”
Justice Kagan gets out of her chair and starts pacing, tossing up her hands.
“And Menendez? Ha! He and Alito must have taken the same Correspondence Course for “‘How to Snag A Wife You Can Blame for All Your Troubles.’” His suit jacket alone should send him to prison for years, but what does he say? ‘I don’t know anything about those gold bricks, she must have sewn them into my jacket when I wasn’t looking, I don’t even own a needle, yes it was heavy, but I thought she just bought a heavier brand of fabric, never occurred to me there were gold bricks hidden in the lining. Well, whaddya know about that, my God, what will the bitch think of next?’”
Mary leaves and returns with a pot of tea. She sets it before the Justice, who pours herself a cup.
“You know, Mary,” she says and takes a slip. “I’m kinda cheesed off that I don’t have a wife to throw under the bus so I can blame her for things I’ve done wrong. I need a wife! Do my laundry, fuss over me, tell me I’m right when I’m clearly wrong, tell me I’m smart when I’m clearly stupid, tell me she loves me when she clearly doesn’t, just hangs around, basking in my celebrity. Ahh, the good old, new bad days, Mary. We all need wives. They can act with impunity.”
“Ah, but what about Ann Boleyn?” says Mary. “Wife number two of Henry the 8th? Remember when she got fed up with Henry blaming her for all his problems and then lost her head on the chopping block?”
“Right. I forgot about that.”
Mary continues, “When I went out to get your tea, I ran into Brad, Alito’s clerk. He mentioned that Martha was out of town for an extended vacation. No one knows where she went, who she went with or when she will return. People are talking.”
“Oh, dear,” said Kagan.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2024
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