Biologists from Colorado State University have conducted research on elephant communication in Kenya. By utilizing artificial intelligence to analyze their utterances, they discovered that elephants have distinctive names for each other. With that in mind, the researchers set up eavesdropping stations on a herd that roams the 40,000 acres of savanna in the Amboseli national park—an elephant reality show, if you will.
There is the 45-year-old matriarch, Karen, whom the other elephants call “Girl Boss” behind her butt. She only occasionally responds to that appellation, much preferring “Mother Superior” or “Ma’am.”
There is Kevin, the disappointing 15-year-old son of Karen. He’s an 8,000 pound ne’er-do-well who is always roaring and scrapping with the other boys and harassing the girls. If he hadn’t been Karen’s son, he would have been taken out long ago.
There are Molly and Nikki, 20 year-old 6,000-pound cousins, who enjoy sneaking around, spying on everyone and talking smack behind their pachyderm glutes.
Molly was recently overheard snorting to Nikki, “Whassup with Amanda? There’s something about her trunk that’s just not right.”
Nikki barks, “You know Bridget, the human park ranger?”
Molly nods her enormous head, jiggling her trunk.
“Well, I’ve seen Amanda hanging outside the windows to Bridget’s room at the lodge. She’s peeking in to watch one of Bridget’s favorite TV shows—‘The Savanna Savy Shopper.’ I overheard Bridget talk once about how bad her skin was from sun damage—wrinkles and all, and that she shops for a special cream that is helping her smooth them out.”
Molly says, “Ah, now it make sense. You know how heartsick Amanda’s been ever since Kevin dropped her for Britney—that cute little 1,500 pound prepubescent pachy who hasn’t yet grown into her trunk? It’s as smooth as a human baby’s butt.”
“How could I forget?” says Nikki.
“Well,” Molly says, “Amanda figures that if she has a smooth trunk like Britney’s, she can win Kevin back. One day, Bridget caught Amanda in her room, trunking through her drawers and had to ask her to leave.
“Later, Bridget said to me, ‘I could have sworn I saw Amanda clutching something in her trunk.’”
“Boy, did Girl Boss roar when she found out about that,” says Molly.
“All this over that worthless son of mine?” cried Karen. “I’ve got to do something with that boy. Maybe the next time the American Circus recruiters come to town, we can send Kevin away with them. They like audacious miscreants over there. He’s just dumb enough to believe that that would be a good thing.
“We could tell him he will become the poster elephant for the GOP once he’s there. He’s the perfect one to represent their party of nasty, lying, misogynistic, narcissistic sociopaths.”
“Momma knows best,” rumbled Molly and Nikki in unison.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@ yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, August 1, 2024
Blog | Current Issue | Back Issues | Essays | Links
About the Progressive Populist | How to Subscribe | How to Contact Us