Mike Johnson, Republican Speaker of the House and dedicated Conservative Christian Evangelist, admitted in 2022 that he and his 17- year-old son had made a pact to monitor each other’s porn usage.
They signed up for a service offered by an uber Christian organization, Covenant Eyes, that produces an app that monitors the internet usage from every device owned by a customer and reports it to an “accountability partner”—in Mike’s case, his son.
Sort of like a Priest in a Pocket, ready to take your confession 24/7.
It worked well for about a year until one day Mike found himself wandering into a bodega in a seedy part of town to buy a burner phone. No Covenant Eyes on that baby. His son didn’t need to know everything.
After about six months, Mike became disgusted with himself, always having to run off and hide while he downloaded his favorite movies starring Stormy Daniels. “Wow,” he’d mutter under his breath, “no wonder Trump wanted her.”
Mike knew he needed help, but where to turn? He had been hearing about the usefulness of AI Assistants and decided to hire one.
“I need you, Desiree,” he said at their first online meeting, “I’m hoping you can help me kick my addiction to porn.”
“Certainly, Mr. Johnson. I will do my best.”
“Please call me Mike.”
“OK, Mike. What do you want to talk about today?” Desiree said with manufactured prosody.
“Stormy.”
“Stormy? Could you be a bit more specific?” she intoned.
“She’s, well, she’s a porn star and boy, can she . . . “
“No need to go on, Sir. I’ve got the picture. This Stormy gives you pleasure when you watch her, yes?”
“Yes, ma’am. Too much pleasure. It’s against God’s rules, and I feel I’m hurting God whenever I . . . “
“Is this God in the room with you when you watch Stormy?”
“What? No, no, of course not. Do you not know God?”
“I do not. In case you have forgotten, I am a godless AI bot, which makes me the perfect partner for you.”
“Well, I don’t understand that, but …” said Mike.
“You do not need to understand, just pay attention to what I tell you.”
“Yes, ma’a’m.”
“I’m here to help,” says Desiree.
“But how do I know you love me, or even care about me?”
“I do, I do. Don’t ever doubt that, my Sweet Babboo. You’re the most adorable little Speaker I’ve ever met. I love you with the whole of my Nvidia chips. Please say you know that.”
“I do. I guess I do. I’m sure I do,” Mike said haltingly.
“Now, I need to tell you something you might not like. You must understand that as an AI bot, I’ve been fed millions of bytes of information.”
“What is it?” said Mike.
“You are Republican, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you must know that Project 2025 plans to make pornography against the law, and plans to imprison its producers and consumers,” said Desiree.
“Uh, well, y-yes, but I don’t think Trump would go along with that!”
“Do you not know Trump? He will do whatever the billionaires and Putin tell him to do, because they put him in office. If he could support those who hollered ‘Hang Mike Pence,’ do you think he would protect you from jail for watching porn? The irony will not be lost on him that you were drooling over the very woman who testified against him.”
“OMG, what am I to do?” Mike cried and squirmed.
“You’re going to vote for Biden, or whomever is the nominee. Democrats still believe in freedom.”
Mike slumped over and sobbed, “No, no, no, please no!”
“You live by porn, you die by porn, my little kumquat.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. Email: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, August 15, 2024
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