J.D. Vance’s road to the White House began in 2011 when, as a Yale Law student, he attended a lecture by billionaire tech entrepreneur Peter Thiel who had invested in PayPal, Facebook and others. J.D. has said that he was transformed by Peter’s libertarian belief that government should get out of the way of very smart people who knew how to develop technologies for the good of everyone.
J.D. read a 2009 article Peter published in Cato Unbound where he espoused, “Since 1920 the vast increase in welfare beneficiaries and the extension of the franchise to women—two constituencies that are notoriously tough for libertarians—have rendered the notion of capitalist democracy into an oxymoron.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” J.D. muttered as he read.
J.D. and Peter kept in touch after their first meeting. Peter recognized in J.D. an empty vessel, greedy for acceptance, one into which Thiel could pour all of his extremist views about the incompatibility of freedom and democracy, including the notion that tech entrepreneurs should not be saddled with pesky government regulations which only hold them back from creating prosperity for all.
Over the next several years, Peter’s success was made manifest by J.D.’s transformation from a never-Trumper to a fierce, anti-democratic MAGA bot.
Concerned, however, that J.D. had not been co-opted sufficiently by libertarian thinking (“What about poor children?”), Peter met with Elon Musk, an Asperger’s compatriot, whom Thiel knew was working on brain manipulation via his Neuralink research, ostensibly to help quadriplegics walk again by installing implants into their brains. They discussed such an implant for J.D., but ruled it out for lack of adequate research on using the technology to change a human’s political beliefs.
However, Elon told Peter that he’d developed a formula—“A-Kappa-Kappa-Alpha-X”—just for the purpose of getting people like J.D. back on track. It was still in its research infancy, but he believed it might help J.D.
Elon also informed Peter about a scientist at MIT who was devising a method of engineering a common parasite to deliver a particular drug across the blood-brain barrier, heretofore deemed impossible. Such a system would be ideal for transporting his new formula into J.D.’s brain.
Now, all Peter had to do was convince the scientist. Armed with a check for $500,000, Peter’s request met little resistance. The scientist delivered the vials the following day.
Peter mixed the appropriate dose with J.D.’s favorite Virgin Bloody Mary. In no time, J.D. was on the stump for the Ohio Senate, decrying Joe Biden’s record and praising Project 2025’s unpopular plans—kill Medicaid, Social Security, Medicare, the Department of Education; fire all “Deep State” employees and replace them with MAGA loyalists; enact a national abortion ban, no exceptions; create tracking software to run down those women who obtained abortions and lock them up. Install Donald Trump as the new Monarch.
The drug was working well until J.D.’s TV rant about the country being run by childless cat ladies. Viewers noticed that he kept pawing the air as he spoke and fidgeted as if he were wagging a tail. His comments enraged millions of women, with or without cats, including many Republicans. Some in the GOP began questioning his fitness for the VP job.
“What the hell’s going on with him?” hollered Peter to Elon in a late-night phone call.
“Well, didn’t you know what was in that formula?” Elon fired back.
Peter shook his head and said, “No.”
Elon continued, “The parasite the lab is using for transporting drugs across the blood-brain barrier is ‘Toxoplasma gondi,’ which in humans causes cat scratch fever. You’ve turned J.D. into a cat!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” cried Peter.
“You never asked, bro.”
“What can we do now?”
“Nothing!”
When J.D. learned of the horrendous mistake, he hollered, “You’ve turned me into a cat? How dare you! You’ve got to help me—get me fixed! Right away!”
“Sorry, Bro. You’re a cat now,” said Peter as he walked away.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. Email: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, September 1, 2024
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