“Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Fairest of Them All?” says Melania, softly, turning her head slowly this way and that. Poor Melania, standing there and realizing that, at 54, her “sell-by” date was creeping up faster than indictments against her husband, and that her net worth was paltry without her attachment to him.
She squinted and frowned and groaned, “I need a plan!”
And, so it came to pass that Melania got herself invited to speak to the Log Cabin Republicans and was paid handsomely—the first time for $500,000 and the second for $237,500. The source of those payments remain a mystery. The name Putin has been bandied about but who can tell in the murky, swampy underworld that is the Trump Griftosphere.
No surprise that the Coen brothers are planning an unofficial documentary about her, entitled “True Grift.”
When her staff warned her about it, she snorted as she flipped back her newly dyed hair, tightened her squint and sneered, “Never heard of them. They are nothing! My fans will never believe their lies.” She stomped out of the room.
Nary an eyebrow was raised nor a shoulder shrugged or a question asked when Melania directed her staff to draw up a list of all the countries where Kings and Queens still reigned: Andorra, Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Bhutan, Cambodia, Denmark, Eswatini, Grenada, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kuwait, Lesotho, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Monaco, Morocco, the Netherlands, Norway, Oman.
She spent hours perusing them online and when she finished, she had pared down the list to her top Seven: Antigua, Liechtenstein, Belgium, Belize, Luxembourg, Bahrain and Kuwait.
Fearing that Donald may lose the election and most of his money to attorney fees and jury awards, Melania turned to Susan Trombetti, owner of “Exclusive Matchmaking,” well known for securing matches for billionaires.
“I’d like to be someone’s Queen.” Melania said at their first meeting.
“Yes, Queen of a small beautiful country with a King who adores me, treats me like a Queen and feels lucky to have me by his side. Do you think you could help me with this?”
“I have just the right King for you,” said Ms. Trombetti, smiling and jotting notes. “When would you like to meet him?”
“Perhaps it’s best to wait until Donald actually loses the election, yes?”
“Of course. In the meantime, I will contact all the Kings I know and notify them that I have a High Status Client who is soon to be on the market.”
“Yes, yes, that would be wonderful,” Melania nodded forcefully. “If he loses, I want to make my move as quickly as possible. I no longer want to squander my talent and beauty on this god-forsaken country of liberal swine and dullard men. Time is, as they say, a-wasting.”
“Yes, Yes. Don’t worry Mrs. Trump,” said Ms. Trombetti as they shook hands, “You will not be on the market for long.”
But times have changed and not one of the Kings was interested in Melania.
They regarded her as having been tainted by the stain of Trump. To a man, the Kings said she was too old and used up to be their Consort and therefore of “no value” to them or their Kingdom.
When Ms. Trombetti broke the news to her over the phone, Melania collapsed in a screaming, weeping pile of human flesh done wrong.
“Oh, no, no, no! What will I do? What will become of me? Am I forever tied to this cheating cheeto-sh*t of a husband? I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it.” She slammed down the phone and flung herself onto the bed and dissolved into a mewling, puking mess on her red silk Chanel comforter.
Hearing the ruckus, her staff rushed in and dialed 911, but, alas, as happens in the best of fairy tales, “All the Kings Horses and All the Kings Men” could not put Melania together again.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, November 15, 2024
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