The 2024 election has left millions of Americans dessicated, devalued and despondent, so much so that they’ve banded together to stop uttering the name “Trump,” altogether.
They now refer to him only as “T.”
When NPR reporter, Laura Barrȏn-Lȏpez, interviewed Jennifer Jones, President of the “Drop the Rump from Trump” organization, she asked, “Why take this drastic step?”
Jennifer replied, “The assemblage of letters that is his name, chafes across the tongue and lips, while the “T” creates only a harmless puff and leaves no scars.”
Gobsmacked, Barrȏn-Lȏpez replied, “So, what does your organization have to say about Vance?”
“Well, the sounds of the ‘V’ in Vance and the ‘F’ in ‘Fu*k,’ are practically identical. We just call him ‘Fu*k-Face.’ Need I say more?”
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Governor Kristi Noem was shimmying around her dining room table, singing “I’m a Big Shot now, I’m a Big Shot now,” after being anointed Homeland Security Secretary by “T.”
“I knew he loved me, I just knew it!
She told her friends, “I’m going to kick ass down at the border. Wussie Biden and Harris were too chicken to do the difficult thing. Everyone knows I can do difficult things. That’s why I wrote in my memoir the story of shooting my so-called hunting dog, Cricket. He turned out to be untrainable, the worthless mutt. I took out my pistol and shot him between the eyes. I wanted people to know that I could step up and do difficult things. That impressed Trump, I tell ya.
“He told me, ‘Any broad who can do something like that can fix the border problem,’ and thrust up his fist in the air.”
When asked about her border plans at a recent news conference, she smiled and said, “Just you wait and see. I’ve been studying about what Indians do with their loved ones and I think we can learn a lot from them.”
“You mean, burn them in a funeral pyre along the Ganges River?” hollered Hallie Jackson, reporter for NBC.
“Something like that,” Noem smiled and twisted the ends of her hair, “only we will line them up on the banks of the Rio Grande.”
“But you can’t do that!” cried Jackson, her face alight with crimson.
“Did you miss the election?” snapped Noem. “And the part about We Won? The whole shebang? We finally have a mandate from the American people to clean up all the mistakes from past Democrat administrations.”
“But almost half of the electorate voted against you!” Jackson said, leaning forward in her chair.
“Neener neener, we still won!” Noem said and tossed her head from side to side. “If it’s good enough for India, it’s good enough for us! Look. We can’t afford to fly illegals back to their sh*thole countries. This is the only way.”
Jackson just sat with her head down, shaking slowly.
“And, that’s not all!” Noem continued. “We’re gonna put a stop to that radical, lesbian, feminazi, disgusting group who will not utter Trump’s name. That is totally un-American. We plan to hunt them down like the dogs that they are, and you know how I feel about dogs who disobey!”
“You’re going to kill them, too?” hollered Jackson. “Have you no shame? There are laws against that sort of thing!”
“Not any more. Just ask Thomas and Alito.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She is a former healthcare administrator and psychotherapist and has a new (serious) book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace,” available on Amazon if you can’t find it at your neighborhood bookstore. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, December 15, 2024
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