Science tells us that our skin becomes thinner as we age.
The ever irascible 78 year-old skinflint Trump has been demonstrating just how much thinner his skin has become.
“I want him gone!” Trump screams at Susie Wiles, his new wily Chief of Staff.
“You’re the boss, President Trump,” says Susie, smiling. “We can certainly arrange for him to be gone, but I have to ask in what way do you want him gone? Before you answer, let me give you the inside skinny on how that can happen—the murder menu, if you will.”
She opens up a folder, pulls out a piece of paper and begins reading.
“Scalped by a homeless man; injected under his skin with Novichok by his Russian girlfriend; skinned alive and fed to the pigs; others of your own imagination, of course. But, no matter the means, there will be no skin off your nose, I promise you that.”
“Oh, Susie, I knew you were a genius. Whatever you do, I want him to feel maximum humiliation, like he’s a skinless, boneless chicken breast.”
“Ah, why didn’t you say that, Sir? I’ve got just the thing.”
With that, Susie scoots out the door of the Oval Office, smiling over her shoulder, “I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
“That woman,” says Trump, sitting at the Resolute desk, muttering under his breath. “Wish all broads could be like her.”
Three hours later the broad returns.
“Where have you been?” Trump shouts.
“I just went to the DOJ. But first I had to change clothes to disguise myself so I wouldn’t be pestered by the press during that eight-minute walk. I donned the wig, the fat suit, removed my makeup. No one glances at a big old fat broad with lousy hair.”
“So, what did you find at the DOJ?”
“The solution to getting rid of Elon Musk so that he can never bother you again.”
Trump had been complaining bitterly about how Musk had so much skin in the game, how he was infiltrating every pore of Trump’s political life and making people think he was actually the President.
“That’s not gonna fly,” hollers Trump. “There’s only one President and that’s me.”
“Eminent Domain,” Susie says, standing before Trump and grinning.
“Em what?” says Trump, shaking his head.
“Eminent Domain. You know, the 5th Amendment—about government taking over private property if it needs it to shore up national security?”
Trump nods slowly, sighing.
“The 5th Amendment,” Susie continues. “The one between the 4th and the 6th?”
“Oh, uh, sure,” Trump says, “but where are you going with this?”
“This is how it works,” Susie says. “The government can seize private property, provided the owner receives ‘just compensation.’”
“You mean we could seize all his property, but would have to pay him for what we take?”
“Well, yes, but if you have a good attorney you could probably pay him pennies on the dollar. According to what I’ve read, he’s worth about $417 billion. What percentage do you think would be just?”
“Nothing!”
“You can’t do that. You have to come up with something. Your attorney, Blanchard, can help, but it will be a pittance, I’m sure. Of course, it’s up to you, but 1% seems more than generous for everything.
“We can condemn all his property and say we need it for oil drilling, more Air Force bases, more prisons, especially on the border. Of course, he will complain.”
“He can sue all he wants,” sneers Trump, “but my Supreme Court will cover the skin on my back.”
When Trump tells Musk what he plans to do, Musk explodes in an Asperger’s ketamine-fueled rage. “You can’t do this!”
“Watch me!” hollers Trump. “You need to go back to your sh*t hole South Africa. You’ve already sucked enough wealth out of my country.”
Musk flees to Moscow and sobs to Putin, “I worshipped him. I gave him billions to make him President and now he does this?”
“Stop Crybaby Elon, mой маленький кумкват,” says Putin, patting him on the back.
“No skin off nose. He pays. Matter of time.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She has a new (serious) book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace.” See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, February 15, 2025
Blog | Current Issue | Back Issues | Essays | Links
About the Progressive Populist | How to Subscribe | How to Contact Us