Satire/Rosie Sorenson

The Revenge of Roe

Austin, Texas, 2024:

President Biden has rebalanced an out-of-control Supreme Court by adding six judges, for a new total of 15: nine progressives and six conservatives.

“That’s the only way to deal with a Court gone wild,” Biden told reporters at his press briefing. “Now we have a chance to reinstate the voting rights of millions of African Americans, Latinxs, as well as the elderly and disabled which the Republicans have stripped away during the past few years. This new court will also reinstate the reproductive rights of women granted them under Roe v. Wade but which the Republican Court decimated in 2022. It’s the right thing to do.”

Mr. Biden’s comments were applauded in every state, the majority of which had elected women governors in 2024, among them, Sheila Jackson Lee of Texas. And for the first time, Democratic women made a clean sweep in the Texas legislature.

During her acceptance speech, Governor Jackson Lee laid out her bold agenda.

“For too long,” Governor Jackson Lee said, “Republican governors and the Republican legislatures of Texas acted as if women got pregnant in a vacuum, as if there were no men involved. All of their laws were focused on punishing women for being women. If they had been really concerned about unplanned pregnancies, they should have enacted the legislation I am now proposing, which would require every man to wear a condom each and every time he has sexual intercourse, unless married and planning to have a family. Otherwise, he will be charged for reckless insemination. No exceptions will be granted. Women who file reports about men who refuse to wear a condom will be rewarded with a $20,000 bounty. That should significantly reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and thus the need for abortions.”

The two lone male legislators in the audience, hollered, “Booooo. Booooo, not fair!”

Governor Jackson Lee continued. “Settle down, gentlemen. You all had your turn and we know how well that has worked out for women. My administration is here to redress those wrongs. And furthermore, I’m ordering a ban on all male enhancement drugs for men 50 and over. My guidance says if God wanted them to have erections, she’d have given them the ability to do so without drugs. And besides, there are some studies that indicate children of fathers over 50 are more likely to develop schizophrenia than those born to fathers under 50. I’m sorry to say this, but the Republican party is already full up.”

“You can’t do this, you can’t do this to us!” the men screamed and stamped their feet.”

“It seems, gentleman, that I can. Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?” Jackson Lee said, and smiled.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, October 1, 2021


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