The CDC, the NIH and the FDA met in secret on Sept. 5, 2021, to discuss some new proposed guidance about the COVID 19 virus.
Dr. Anthony Fauci opened the meeting by saying, “Welcome, everyone, to this important round table. I think we have come up with an important solution to the spread of the Delta variant. As you are all aware, I have a nose for these sorts of things. We have in this country a certain cohort of Americans who flatly do not believe in vaccines or in masks—hell, they don’t even believe the virus is real until perhaps they’re hospitalized for it and sometimes not even then. The dying words of some have been recorded as, “The virus isn’t real.”
“I’m here to tell you that the answer to this problem has all along been right under our noses. Or should I say in our noses. The recent discovery that the vaccinated have a reservoir of virus in their noses equal to that of the unvaccinated has guided us to make a rather simple recommendation.
“But, first, you might wonder how can this be that vaccinated people are carrying a viral load similar to the unvaccinated? We think it’s because the vaccine doesn’t circulate well enough through the blood supply of the nose. But, that’s not important now because our solution bypasses the question.
“What we understand, finally, is that it’s not people who are spreading this virus, it’s the damn noses!
“As of midnight, I’m ordering all noses to be closed. The CDC has developed a specialized blocking agent that everyone must use or go to jail. It can’t be observed from the outside, so there are no cosmetic reasons not to use it. As far as religious reasons go, Jesus never talked much about noses in the Bible, so we should be clear on that point. Not sure about Allah, but I don’t think he mentioned noses in the Koran.”
One committee member said, “What about personal freedom?”
“Personal freedom? There’s no mention of personal freedom for noses in the Constitution, so we’re clear there, too.
“The procedure is perhaps a nuisance but since we can all breathe through our mouths, we should be fine. Remember, it’s only temporary until we get this virus under control.
“I think the public will cotton to this because no one will need to nag them about wearing a mask, and even if they don’t get the vaccine, they will still be less likely to spread the virus. Plus they will want to be able to breathe through their noses again as soon as possible, so they’ll nag their friends to comply as well.
“Even if we only win by a nose, we will still win!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, October 15, 2021
Blog | Current Issue | Back Issues | Essays | Links
About the Progressive Populist | How to Subscribe | How to Contact Us