Satire/Rosie Sorenson

Behind Barrs

On the heels of the Mueller report as well as the William Barr report comes the Roseanne Barr report—a one-page summary of the Barr report of the Mueller report. “Trump is an effing Genius,” shouts her report.

When asked if she would release the entire Barr report of the Mueller report and the work product which led to their conclusions, she said, “Why would I do that? People don’t want the facts, Trump doesn’t want the facts. Facts are tricky buggers. Trump just needs us to get out of his way so he can eliminate the Affordable Care Act—you know, that Obama Care job-killing debacle which gave health insurance to millions, thus keeping them dependent on the damn government. He needs us out of the way so he can pass legislation to ruin women’s lives (they’ve had it too good for too long), and steal all the money from the treasury. If he doesn’t steal it for himself and his rich cronies, you know those damn poor people will. That’s just a fact, Jack. That’s why people voted for Trump instead of that child-abusing, pedophile-ring-loving communist Hillary Clinton. The people said in their collective cry, do not let poor people take away our hard-earned cash and spend it frivolously on health insurance, food, child care or on college for their illegal offspring. That’s damn un-American and y’all know it.”

When interviewed on CNN about the Roseanne Barr report and how she came to write it, she said: “I did it for our country. Damn liberals have been too smug for too long. They liked me on the original Roseanne show, when I knew my place, but now that I’m off the reservation and supporting Trump, they can’t stand me. They took away my show and that wasn’t right, so I thought I’d show them. I already apologized for my comments about Valerie Jarrett being an ape. That was just the Ambien and the booze talking. I actually stole that ape line from Pamela Ramsey, a mucky-muck in West Virginia, when she called Michelle Obama “a ape in heels.” Bitch don’t even know her grammar. The libs got so tore up over that “ape” sh*t that they suspended her but gave her job back to her. And then, dumbass Pamela goes and gets herself in hot water for embezzling $18,000 from FEMA—ruins the whole image of us Trump supporters as honest hard-working, God-fearing rednecks.

“I didn’t really mean those things I said about Valerie, and I apologized, but was that good enough for these eco-lib Feminazi communists? Noooo. They wanted to burn me at the stake and take away the only thing I love: being a loud-mouth pseudo-conservative Trumpian jackass on TV. I have nothing else to live for.

“Except for Twitter. Me and Trump own the damn Twittersphere.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com

From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2019

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