Summer of Discontent/Part 2

By BARRY FRIEDMAN

(Tuesday, Sept. 10, 2024. Mansions on Fifth Hotel, McCook Suite, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania)

His vision suddenly blurry, Donald Trump put his hand on the shower wall to steady himself. His fingers slid down the ceramic tile. Then he couldn’t feel them. His legs gave out. When his head hit the thick, ornate porcelain rim of the tub, it opened a gash on his forehead and knocked out a tooth.

He didn’t feel any of it. He was already dead.

He was on all fours, his knees inside the tub, his torso, head, arms hanging over the edge. The shower was still on.

A picture of a naked, dead Donald Trump would be worth millions. The Secret Service agent who found him was tempted; instead, he covered him with a towel.

An ex-president, he told himself, shouldn’t be seen like this.

Seven weeks after the Republican National Convention, three weeks after the Democratic Convention, both the Republican and Democratic presidential nominees were dead.

America had never been here.

Nikki Haley, whom Trump reluctantly chose to be his running mate at the RNC convention in Milwaukee in July, surprising everyone, was campaigning in Colorado Springs when she got the news. Michael Whatley, Trump’s first pick for RNC chairman, had been forced out after telling CNN’s Jake Tapper that Trump would “most probably” accept the results of the November election, so it was Lara Trump, the nominee’s daughter-in-law, Eric’s wife, the new RNC chief, who made the call.

“We have a problem, Nikki. You may not be the one. Many people are already saying they want Don Jr.”

She was lying. Nobody was saying that.

Haley wasn’t buying it.

“Go f*ck yourself,” she said and hung up the phone.

But the GOP did have a problem. The Democrats were lucky, by comparison. President Biden hadn’t yet been officially nominated by his party when he died of stress cardiomyopathy, so when Kamala Harris, the vice president, was named to the head of the ticket, there was a begrudging logic to it. But the GOP hadn’t thought about life without Trump. His running mates — first Mike Pence, now Haley — were seen as mere courtiers, staffers. Pence and Haley couldn’t get them to storm the Capitol, Lara Trump told herself. She called Mitch McConnell.

“Laurie, announce Haley. Do it quick.”

“Lara.”

“What?”

“My name is Lara, you called me—”

“What are you talking about?”

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced he was back in the race and was willing to lead the party.

Trump’s private physician, Dr. Bruce Aronwald, said the ex-president suffered an intracranial aneurysm; still, a CNN poll indicated 31% of the GOP believed the ex-president had been poisoned, 11% said he was still alive, and 9% said they had no intention of voting now that Trump wasn’t in the race. Steve Bannon called for a military coup.

The president, Kamala Harris, tried calling Melania Trump to offer her sympathies. On the third attempt, Mrs. Trump picked up.

“Doug and I are sorry for your loss. How’s Barron?”

Nothing.

“Melania, we’re sort—”

“Heard you,” Melania said.

On Thursday, Chris Christie, Vivek Ramaswamy, Asa Hutchinson, and Doug Burgum, all former candidates, wrote an op-ed in the Washington Post that the party had to coalesce around Haley.

DeSantis said he wanted to meet with Haley and RNC leadership to figure out the party’s direction.

Christie, according to Reuters, called him and said, “Ron, stop being a d*ck.”

Trump was buried near the pool at Mar-a-Lago.

The family told President Harris not to come.

Sen. Lindsey Graham gave the eulogy. He cried for the second time in three months over a dead president.

Don Jr. said, “The Democrats hounded my father to death. They killed him. They will pay.”

On the way to Florida for the service, Haley gave a speech in Skokie, Illinois, and told supporters that, as president, she would continue the legacy of Donald Trump.

Lara Trump was furious.

“Nikki, please, slow down on this. It’s not official.”

“Your f*cking brother-in-law will be the Republican nominee over my dead body.”

Haley hung up on Trump again.

House Speaker Mike Johnson and McConnell announced they were backing Haley. Former senators Mitt Romney and Jeff Flake issued similar endorsements. Liz Cheney offered her unqualified support. Current senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz did the same.

On Friday, DeSantis said he wouldn’t contest Haley.

A Washington Post/ABC poll had the race tied between President Harris and Nikki Haley.

Haley went on CBS’s Face the Nation and told Margaret Brennan, “I am the nominee. I am the leader of the party.” She then announced that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott had agreed to be her vice president. The Guardian reported that Abbott told an aide, “If we lose, they’ll blame Haley, not me. But I can say I sacrificed for the party. It’ll help in 2028.”

Lara Trump called Haley for a third time. “You win,” she said.

“No sh*t,” said Haley.

The following Sunday, Lara Trump broke down on NBC’s Meet the Press, telling host Kristen Welker, “I fear the country won’t survive the loss of my father-in-law.” She never mentioned Haley by name. Melania Trump told Reuters she felt “bad” about her husband’s death, “but that I will survive, as I always have.”

Haley challenged Harris to three debates. The first debate was scheduled for Oct. 14 — Columbus Day, according to the RNC; Indigenous People’s Day, according to the DNC.

Nimrata “Nikki” Haley or Kamala Devi Harris, both first-generation Americans — Haley’s parents were born in India;  Harris’ mother, too, was born in India; Harris’ father is Jamaican — would be president of the United States in a matter of months.

Two women of color, opposite political worlds.

Any other time in America, it might have been a time to celebrate. But this was America in 2024.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump were dead.

A country that didn’t want either had gotten its wish.

Barry Friedman is an essayist, political columnist, petroleum geology reporter and comedian living in Tulsa, Okla. His latest book, “Jack Sh*t: Volume One: Voluptuous Bagels and other Concerns of Jack Friedman” is out and the follow-up, “Jack Sh*t, Volume 2: Wait For The Movie. It’s In Color” was scheduled to be released this spring. In addition, he is the author of “Road Comic,” “Funny You Should Mention It,” “Four Days and a Year Later,” “The Joke Was On Me,” and a novel, “Jacob Fishman’s Marriages.” See barrysfriedman.com and friedmanoftheplains.com.

From The Progressive Populist, April 1, 2024

Populist.com