Canada, Oh Canada

Trump, sitting behind the Resolute Desk in his gleaming, gold-plated oval office, is scowling.

“What’s that?” he hollers to Susie Wiles, his beloved Chief of Staff, who has just entered the room.

“What’s what?” she says, looking around.

“That horrible screeching sound,” Trump hollers and covers his ears.

“Oh. You mean the quacking, Sir? That’s a Canada goose.”

“A what”

“A Canada Goose. We’ve got lots of them,” she says and smiles.

“How long as this been going on—Canada sending their geese to feed on my White House lawn?” He gets up from the desk and begins pacing.

“Well, uh, sir, they’re not exactly sending them,” Susie says and steps forward. “The geese come of their own accord. Some even live here year-round.”

“Undocumented geese?” yells Trump, craning his neck toward the window. “Who let them run across the border?”

“Fly, Sir. They fly.”

“I don’t give a crap. We need another damn wall and make Canada pay for it,” he says, still looking out the window.

“But, Sir, these birds are beloved by all.”

“Not by me, they’re not,” Trump says and whirls around. “How many of these filthy things are in my country?”

“Well, sir, the Audubon Society says there are about 3.2 million of them living in the U.S.”

“Auto who?”

“The Audubon Society—you know, the ones who study and protect birds.”

“How long have they known about this Canada infestation?”          

“Since 1905.”

“Damn old freaks,” Trumps says and throws up his hands. “Damn old Biden, couldn’t even control a flock of geese. Right under my nose and no one tells me? I want them gone. All gone.”

“Well, by rights, Sir, they could be considered native Americans. They’ve been here since long before you were born.”    

“I will do nothing of the sort. I want you to call Homeland Security, get ICE on the case. Hire some immigrants if they have to.”

“You want to send them on a wild goose chase?”

“I want them to rid me of these terrorist welfare cheats,” Trump says and crosses his arms over his chest.

“But, sir, what about your other projects—rounding up millions of immigrants and deporting them? If you take manpower away from that, we can’t meet our quotas. I don’t think Stephen Miller would be too happy about that. And, besides, people love their Canada geese.”

“I don’t care what they love. Some of them love immigrants, too. Doesn’t mean we’re going to stop deporting them. Just do it, Susie.”

“Sir. You know I love you and support everything you’re doing,” she says in her most soothing, motherly voice. “I think you’re the greatest President ever lived, but I can’t let you do this.”

“You’re fired.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She has a new (serious) book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace,” available on Amazon if you can’t find it at your neighborhood bookstore.

Email: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

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